It’s funny… the phraseology of being an “angry black woman”,
one says those three words together and no one asks why, it’s just taken as fact. If someone used the phrase, angry white
woman, or angry asian woman, people would ask, why is she so angry. But no one seems to ask that when it is
concerning black women. It’s as if
people are used to the stereotypes that the media has offered or just maybe
they empathize with the struggle and agree that black women have a right to
angry. But, it’s probably more the former
than the latter.
Let me introduce myself; my name is Meagan McLeod and I am
in recovery from being an angry black woman.
I grew up in a single parent home with my father’s presence available. My mother was very intelligent and my father
is also, they taught me the power of learning and the power of being able to
have an individual thought that encompasses my ideas and not the recycled ideas
of society.
I learned early on that I was black even though I have a
very European name like Meagan and I have a light complexion; I was never
confused about my ethnicity. Let’s
revisit my name for a moment. My mother
told me she intentionally looked for a name that was European in its roots so
that I would be accepted. I was told this
when I was around 12. Then my parents
always made sure I spoke with grammatical ease and not a roughness which plagues
many youth that are raised in urban settings.
I was taught early that I had to be excellent in my walk, talk, and
dress.
Being this type of excellent made me stern, controlled, and
lacking emotion. It made me hide from
weaknesses and ashamed of my mistakes. This
type of excellence made me forget who I wanted to be and made me want to become
what I felt society wanted to see. I was
concerned with always saying and doing the right things. After all, I had to excellent and being a
black woman meant that nothing was given, so I had to fight and fighting meant
hiding behind a cold hard exterior.
It was not until I met a wonderful coach, Jani Moon (look
her up, she is awesome), who coaches professional speakers and experts. She asked me was I ever in the army (go
figure)…then she explained to me that I need to let go and be vulnerable. Then it hit me that I have been living a life
that has been created by a society that teaches us to act and react a certain
way based upon our ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion etc. It’s the first time I realized, that the
thing that I was running from, I actually ran toward.
I ran towards being excellent but being excellent in a way
that allowed me to appear together in the eyes of society. I went to a great high school (Central); I
attended college, and graduated and started a career. I always networked with people that were
doing things so in my head I thought I looked as if I had it all together. But I was leaving something behind…me.
Through all of that I was not honoring me. I am not talking about the black in me or the
woman in me…but just me. The me, which
does not care about the color, religion, or sexual orientation. I was not honoring my personality. The personality in me that truly does not
care about always saying the right things or looking the part, but the part
that wants to be free from my weaknesses by announcing them and not caring how
it may appear. The part that wants to
scream, “Yes, I am afraid of failing” and keep walking because who isn’t. It’s the part that recognizes we are humans first and we all struggle at the “being” part.
All of us fall into a trap based upon the stipulations that
have been given to us by invisible societal cues. How we should act based upon our cultural,
ethnic, or religious background; whether you are a white male, black female,
east indian female, or asian male. We
are given certain directions which we accept without thinking about
why we are following them. This is what
divides us and causes us to not live authentically into our full selves.
I am in recovery from being an angry black woman because I
realize that life is much more fun and exciting when you live in the moment and
not have to have the answer to every question. It’s more exciting when you do
not hide from mistakes but ask for help.
It’s more relaxing when you are able to meditate in the moment and know
that it will be ok no matter what. Truth be told, I am a work in progress.
Whether you are black, white, latino, asian, or east indian;
whether you are straight or gay; whether you are christian, jewish, muslim, or
buddhist; whether you are male or female…we have all fallen into a role that has
been given to us based upon our categorical biases. I type the previous descriptions in lower
case because they should not be the thing which names us. The things that should name us, is that which
will never divide who we are in our spirit and it’s also what connects all of
us within our souls, which are our pain, our fears, and our dreams.
