SORROW
While I am living in
a time of sorrow and heartbreak please allow my eyes to see the beauty of the
day and my heart to sing songs of hope.
Hold back the anger and depression and the frustration, so my footsteps
do not feel heavy but they feel light as a feather from Your spirit carrying me
through these rough waters. I refuse to
drown.
I am at work and my plan is to
go to hospice tonight and spend the weekend with her and then go with her
Monday to my aunt’s house where she would spend her last days, weeks, or
months. I get a call from a nurse late
afternoon and she told me that I needed to get there quickly. She said she had no proof but her instincts
are telling her that my mother is beginning to transition. I asked her should I leave now and she said
in a low voice let me call you back. I
hung up the phone. I walked down the
hall and then I stopped…my mother was dying.
It hit me. I called the nurse
back and told her I was on my way. I stopped to pick up my partner and I drove,
speeding to the hospital. I had my
partner call everyone I could think of my aunt, my cousins, my sister, her
pastor, and her friends. I arrived. My mother could not talk, God I just wanted
to hear her voice one more time. I just
wanted to hear her say my name. It’s
amazing it’s the simple things that really do matter. Her pastor and church arrive and begin to
pray over her. God why is this
happening…not now…make it better. I need
my mother God, she is all I have and the only one that understands me. This can’t be happening. I run out of the room and fall to the floor
and weep. I cry out; I want my mommi, I
need my mommi!!! I can’t do this…this
thing called life anymore.
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Sorrow is a silent fear that is
filled with confusion without conclusion.
When one loses someone from death there is no conclusion to the pain and
hurt because there is no one that can replace that important person in your
life. No matter how it occurred whether sudden or a long illness, the person
left behind always asks did they do enough or if there is no closure there is
an overwhelming guilt that plagues the soul of a person. Either way it feels as if a knife has been
jabbed into the deepest parts of who you are but it does not attack you
physically, it attacks you spiritually and emotionally.
When one experiences a deep
sorrow, they learn one thing that becomes very evident about life and it changes
them forever. No one has complete
control but when one sits in the lap of sorrow, that lack of control screams at
you without a voice because one hears nothing but only feels the hurt and
pain. In a moment of sorrow one realizes
that God is divine and you are human.
Within your humanity, the greatest treasure is to find strength in your
weakest state, for that is where God is waiting.
This becomes a crossroad in a
person’s life. When experiencing sorrow, each person has to make a decision. The
choice is to either allow the sorrow to swallow you; or for you to look for the
blessing in the sorrow. That is
everyone’s decision and one has to make that conscious decision.
To get the blessing when
experiencing sorrow, you must let go of the what ifs and the only ifs. What if I would have spent more time with
them? What if I would have been kinder
or more supportive? Only if I would have
found a different doctor or taught them not to do certain things. All of these questions lead you back to you
being in control. You, my friend, are
not in control. Only God knows when the
sun will set and when it will rise.
Do not look for answers as to why
it happened. When we, as human beings,
look for answers, it means we believe that the answers will somehow comfort
us. Sometimes there are no answers. If you realize that there are no answers then
you will be able to see the blessing in the sorrow.
Looking for the blessing allows
you to remember the good things and times, and it also allows God to carry you
through this time. The blessing comes in different ways; the blessing for me
was I did not stop living when I wanted to so badly and I did not stop
dreaming. Yes my spirit was bruised but my
soul contained a courage that I never felt.
I no longer felt the need to cause things to happen I just tried to be
the best at being human and then I let God do the rest.
Of course I went through the
steps of anger and depression and blaming God.
But, each day I awakened saying the above prayer and each day God would
show me a blessing that helped me to keep moving forward. Even in our sorrow,
if we just open the door to our heart a little, God will walk through waiting
to carry us to our destiny.
