SORROW

While I am living in a time of sorrow and heartbreak please allow my eyes to see the beauty of the day and my heart to sing songs of hope.  Hold back the anger and depression and the frustration, so my footsteps do not feel heavy but they feel light as a feather from Your spirit carrying me through these rough waters.  I refuse to drown.

 I am at work and my plan is to go to hospice tonight and spend the weekend with her and then go with her Monday to my aunt’s house where she would spend her last days, weeks, or months.  I get a call from a nurse late afternoon and she told me that I needed to get there quickly.  She said she had no proof but her instincts are telling her that my mother is beginning to transition.  I asked her should I leave now and she said in a low voice let me call you back.  I hung up the phone.  I walked down the hall and then I stopped…my mother was dying.  It hit me.  I called the nurse back and told her I was on my way. I stopped to pick up my partner and I drove, speeding to the hospital.  I had my partner call everyone I could think of my aunt, my cousins, my sister, her pastor, and her friends.  I arrived.  My mother could not talk, God I just wanted to hear her voice one more time.  I just wanted to hear her say my name.  It’s amazing it’s the simple things that really do matter.  Her pastor and church arrive and begin to pray over her.  God why is this happening…not now…make it better.  I need my mother God, she is all I have and the only one that understands me.  This can’t be happening.  I run out of the room and fall to the floor and weep.  I cry out; I want my mommi, I need my mommi!!!  I can’t do this…this thing called life anymore.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorrow is a silent fear that is filled with confusion without conclusion.  When one loses someone from death there is no conclusion to the pain and hurt because there is no one that can replace that important person in your life. No matter how it occurred whether sudden or a long illness, the person left behind always asks did they do enough or if there is no closure there is an overwhelming guilt that plagues the soul of a person.  Either way it feels as if a knife has been jabbed into the deepest parts of who you are but it does not attack you physically, it attacks you spiritually and emotionally.

When one experiences a deep sorrow, they learn one thing that becomes very evident about life and it changes them forever.    No one has complete control but when one sits in the lap of sorrow, that lack of control screams at you without a voice because one hears nothing but only feels the hurt and pain.  In a moment of sorrow one realizes that God is divine and you are human.  Within your humanity, the greatest treasure is to find strength in your weakest state, for that is where God is waiting.

This becomes a crossroad in a person’s life. When experiencing sorrow, each person has to make a decision. The choice is to either allow the sorrow to swallow you; or for you to look for the blessing in the sorrow.  That is everyone’s decision and one has to make that conscious decision. 

To get the blessing when experiencing sorrow, you must let go of the what ifs and the only ifs.  What if I would have spent more time with them?  What if I would have been kinder or more supportive?  Only if I would have found a different doctor or taught them not to do certain things.  All of these questions lead you back to you being in control.  You, my friend, are not in control.  Only God knows when the sun will set and when it will rise. 

Do not look for answers as to why it happened.  When we, as human beings, look for answers, it means we believe that the answers will somehow comfort us.  Sometimes there are no answers.  If you realize that there are no answers then you will be able to see the blessing in the sorrow. 

Looking for the blessing allows you to remember the good things and times, and it also allows God to carry you through this time. The blessing comes in different ways; the blessing for me was I did not stop living when I wanted to so badly and I did not stop dreaming.  Yes my spirit was bruised but my soul contained a courage that I never felt.  I no longer felt the need to cause things to happen I just tried to be the best at being human and then I let God do the rest. 

Of course I went through the steps of anger and depression and blaming God.  But, each day I awakened saying the above prayer and each day God would show me a blessing that helped me to keep moving forward. Even in our sorrow, if we just open the door to our heart a little, God will walk through waiting to carry us to our destiny.