My 36th Birthday

I turned 36 today.

The questions asked: Do you feel wiser? No. Do you feel older? No.

I feel quiet.

Its weird to explain, but this is the first birthday that I don't feel like going out to a party or having a BBQ or the first birthday where I do not care who remembers or who forgets.  This is the first birthday where I don't care if people make it a special day or not.

Some may say oh because you are getting older.  That's not it, because I know older people that continue to expect others to make a big deal of their birthday, and that's ok because that is what they want.
Some may say you sound depressed, but believe me I work with people that are living with depression and that is not it.

So what is it?

Well, the quiet is me feeling grateful.  I am grateful to still be alive but its a different grateful.  Its an empty gratefulness.  What I mean is that its not grateful for a home, a car, a job, or a great partner.  Though I am glad to have all those things because there are many that don't.

I am grateful for an awareness.

You see I have been really working, thinking, and moving to get my speaking company off the ground.  I love working on my company but it was becoming a thing of let me get as many posts out as I can and as many twitter messages out as I can.  I got lost in tag lines and headlines and posts.

The awareness, well I began to become a little obsessed and attached to it, to the point that I thought my company (Meagan McLeod Communications) would not take off unless I had more followers and more people like my posts.  Here is the thing, many people experience this but its not about placing judgment its about being aware.

Society has made us believe, that if you do not have a lot of followers or friends on facebook then your career, within a certain arena, will not take off.

But here is what I became aware of...

Nothing can stop a career that is meant for you.  Nothing.

Here is the awareness, there are many things put out there to stop people from trying to own their dreams; religion, culture, race, education, beauty, and now social media status.  In ten years it will be something else.

The lesson is to be aware but not attached.  That is the difference. People are aware and attached to beauty when they get plastic surgery and believe it will help them move forward. People become aware and attached to education when they allow their lack of (education) to be the excuse of their failures in life.

I understand that these things do play a factor but they are not the deciding factor.  The deciding factor is your hard work, your determination, and your grit.  I am aware that I need more followers but I was becoming attached to it, in which I started to believe it was the deciding factor.

Maybe your thing may not be a career, but maybe its getting married, or a good relationship, or a great family, or being a good parent.  Maybe you have attached yourself to something that exist on the outside of who you are and you are aware of it but you feel like you need it.

I am here to tell you that you do not.  Just work hard at who you are and be the best human being and other things will fall into place.  Maybe, you feel like you can not meet a good guy or girl because its been so long or you missed your chance, and you are so attached to this thought that it is making you anxious.  This will be a turn off.  Maybe you are so attached to not wanting to fail,  that you have become stuck and have not tried to succeed.

Everyone has their thing.

The empty gratefulness is that I am happy to be me in this moment not looking at any benefits or future rewards just looking at myself.  This moment filled with uncertainty of whether my career will work, this moment not being where I want to be, and this moment of not having a bank account with six 0's in it.

But I like who I am and I like who I have become.  That, my friends, by the grace of God, is gift enough. I call it empty because its not filled with stuff, its just filled with me and God.

Peace be with you and grace abound.